Monday 26 November 2007
Here always has been a little blurry to me. I'm a tad forgetful (ahem). Your name will slip through my mind like silken cobwebs, and unless I'm engrossed in a book or sewing or something that keeps my focus, I'm easily distracted and endlessly multitasking, sometimes spectacularly inefficiently.
The future, however, is bright and distinct. I can see it. No, not fortell it, just...see it. It's what helps me visualise a project, it's why I can see the potential in an apartment or house (something at which Mr. S. is completely hopeless, as he will willingly attest to), why I'm good in a pinch, and it's where I spend a lot of time in my head. Which is fine when you're alone. I used to sit and just watch trees and birds for hours when I was young. (I even wondered if I could make a living doing that...sadly, I think not.) At a personal (or personable, I guess) level, though, it doesn't work quite as well. There are benefits, but it's the downfalls that I'm feeling more acutely lately.
I don't think I want to be the kind of mother that isn't present. Someone who always has one of her feet (thinking-like) in the future....what needs to be done, planning, anticipating, lists, playing scenarios, worrying, constructing futures....can't be the greatest companion for a child. A child's life is NOW. I don't want to look into her eyes and be looking past her. Some people have a gift for being now, but it always has been a struggle for me. To quiet my brain. To breathe, mentally.